I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
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Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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