Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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