hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
