One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
