I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
