I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
