Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
