I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
