Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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