saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
40s are totally the cure
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
