We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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