did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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