It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
