Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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