Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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