R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
