Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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