Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
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