I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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