I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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