genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
