So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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