I think my fart just growled at me.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
