He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
not ubering you a puppy
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
