I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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