Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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