that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
