Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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