nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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