Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
