Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
