all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Every concussion has its silver lining
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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