I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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