i really wish james franco would like my vagina
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
