I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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