I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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