My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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