Jerry, you need to find god
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
