I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Randomize
