Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
