So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
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So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
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She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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