Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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