I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
