so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
