I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
