made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
