god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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