sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
