You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
