I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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