You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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