she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
