How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
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She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
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Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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