The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
