Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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