I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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