she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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