I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
