my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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