I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
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